20 reasons you know you’re a first time mum…

1.) Never has the phrase ‘don’t cry over spilt milk’ meant so much. After expressing courageously for 30 mins, that precious nectar is like gold dust. Soul destroying to lose a drop, let alone accidentally knock over a bottle.

2.) Your table manners have morals of their own. Not only do you actively encourage your baby to burp in public, you congratulate and prasie them. The bigger, the better.

3.) It’s totally socially acceptable to talk about your sore boobs over WhatsApp to a group of friends you’ve only just met. God love NCT.

4.) You know exactly what NCT stands for and you’ve never been so rewarded for blowing £250.

5.) You’ve forgotten what your favourite lunch tastes like. Life’s all about cake. Eaten in a one-handed shovelling motion while jigging a baby up and down, bouncing from foot-to-foot.

6.) You’ve never spoken to your friends so much in Australia, LA and the Far East. They’re your saviour now at 1am. And 3am. And 5am.

7.) You know all the doctor’s names and faces in your local surgery. And you’re surprisingly OK with that.

8.) You’ve been wearing leggings and a T-shirt for weeks on end. You’re lucky enough to get a shower, let alone have time to wash and iron clothes. Iron?? Who am I kidding…

9.) You haven’t seen your make-up bag for weeks. In fact, seriously, you haven’t seen your make-up bag for weeks. Have you lost it? You don’t care.

10.) You’ve adopted the hairstyle of a 8-year-old girl, plaiting your non blow-dried, un-styled barnet every day. You think this is appropriate for any social occasion. Your family/ friends have endless photos to prove it.

11.) Elemis bubble baths. Elemis, what’s that? Hot bubble baths, yeah right. Those days are long gone.

12.) You’ve started to talk in code to your ‎partner when discussing dirty nappies. “A 5-wiper or more?”, “Curry or Marmite?”. Never has the discussion of poop interested you so much.

13.) Your family lovingly brings you home-cooked meals in SOS foil ‎trays. You dread the day you’re left to feed yourself again.

14.) You’ve hoovered more times in the last few weeks than in your whole life. Your home is like Piccadilly Circus with visitors.

15.) You can’t even talk about the state of your nails. Or your roots. Or eyebrows. Let’s not even go there.

16.) Your colour-coordinated Farrow and Ball lounge is full of gaudy, plastic clutter. You genuinely ‎don’t care after witnessing your baby’s delirious smile while playing.

17.) You go to bed at 9pm despite not being hungover, not having the flu and not getting a middle-of-the-night flight to Ibiza.

18.) You don’t know what day it is, let alone the date.

19.) You’ve dreamt anxiously in the past about losing teeth, now the thought of teeth arriving scares the bejesus outta you.

20.) You smile all the time even though you’ve never felt so worn out. Who knew tiredness like this existed? Despite never looking or feeling so bad, you’re deliriously happy. All the time. Motherhood rocks.

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